Darko Durbic

Unanswered Questions

I know in my heart that you're here,
But why can't I feel you near me?

I search for the signs everywhere
But I can't seem to see them clearly.

There have been so many things I've said to you
And I need to know that you hear me.


Are you all right? Do you like it there?
Do you know that I've always, always loved you?

What's it like? Are you proud of me?
I was always proud that you belonged to me.

I want to see you in my dreams,
and feel you all around me.

I want to hear your voice strong and clear
Reverberating through me.

Can you tell me
Are you all right? Do you like it there?

Do you know that I've always, always loved you?
What's it like? Are you proud of me?

I was always proud that you belonged to me.

Will I Forget?


After three long years of missing you,
I have a newborn fear;
That as time goes by, my mind will fail,
And your memory won't be clear.

Already I have problems in
Remembering the sound
Your sweet voice made in speaking--
Oh, where can it be found?

I have photos by the hundreds,
And your face will always be
Engraved upon my very heart,
For you're the heart of me.

But how I long to hear your voice
And see your loving smile!
To gaze upon your precious face,
And talk with you a while.

I can't believe it's been three years--
It seems like yesterday;
Yet it also seems a million years
Since you went away.

Time doesn't work the way it did
When you were still on earth;
Sometimes it crawls, sometimes it flies,
It's hard to know time's worth.

But three years gone is three years less
I have to live alone,
And as the years roll slowly by,
Someday I'll be called Home.

And then I'll get to be with you,
For all eternity,
How precious, then, will be our time,
Each day a symphony!

Oh, always, I'll remember you
And all the things you are,
You are my son, my precious child,
My brightly shining star.

I will remember!

Loving you ever, forgetting you never,
Mom


A Three Years Later

Am I different now?
Sometimes it seems that way--
That I have only one identity:
A mother who has lost a child.
Do others think of me that way, too?
The pain has seared my very soul
And left scars on my psyche.
Do they show?
Do strangers mark me as one who mourns?
I do sometimes laugh now,
But I never truly forget.
I remember HIS laughter
And wish I could hear it once more.
I feel guilty whenever I forget for even an instant
That he is gone and will never come back.
But my heart goes on beating
And my lungs go on breathing
And the days go on passing,
One by one.
I begin to take small pleasures,
Just baby steps at first--
Sights or sounds or colors or tastes.
But soon I am running again
And sometimes I even feel joy.
Then I remember
What joy HE always found in life,
And then I don't feel guilty any more.
I can almost see him smile
As I finally learn this lesson.

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION ~  I resolve... That I will grieve as much, and for as long, as I need, and that I will not let others put a time table on MY grief. That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving. That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "getting better or "healing by now." That I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with my feelings as well as their own. That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel. Unless they've lost a child themselves, they couldn't possibly even imagine how it feels. That I will not blame myself for my child's death, and that I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done. But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming, I will remind myself that this is a normal part of the grief process and it, too, will pass. That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this connection or justify it to others. To know that I am not losing my mind, and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy and a sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process - even if my grief lasts for the rest of my life. To know that I will heal, maybe not completely, but I will heal enough to live my new life...a life without my son, to the best of my ability. I resolve that everyday of my life, I will thank God for the time he "lent" me my child. That even though my child is dead, I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do. I resolve to be the best person I can be. To love my husband, my son,daughter in law,grandchild, and family with the unconditional love that God expects from me. I will try to focus on my earthly faults and begin to correct them.  I will also make serious steps to become a healthier person. I send these resolutions up to Heaven and ask God to bless them and to send me His help to uphold them. Amen

 


The moment that you died, my heart split in two. One side filled with memories. The other died with you. I often lay awake at night, when the world is fast asleep. And take a walk down memory lane, with tears upon my cheeks, Remembering you is easy, I do it every day. But missing you is heartache, that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart, and there you will remain. Life has gone on without you, But never will be the same.