| mom | March 31, 2011 |
Forever Twenty Years Old
Their is a very special Angel that lives in my heart,
who resides deep within, since my Son had to part.
My special "Angel" is forever twenty years old,
and he keeps me warm, when I feel out in the cold.
Bringing precious memories on a bright sunny day,
always helps me find [myself] when I lose my way.
Even though he's close bye, I always miss him here,
this Angels my best friend and I still hold him dear!
Sometimes he will sing to my aching soul for awhile,
or may tap me on a shoulder that brings out a smile.
His soft laugh plays.... like a hymn within this mind,
of this brown eyed kid, that was so gentle and kind.
Once in awhile my angel will rustle trees in the night,
then warm up my heart to show me that he is alright.
This Angel is my "Son" that keeps an eye on his mom,
and his love in my heart {not one day} will ever stop.
I can feel his tears when it rains {so hard} on my soul,
the sadness inside asking "why" he had to pay this toll?
He has these beautiful white wings and is laced in gold,
for my special Angel is...
"forever twenty years old"
| mom | March 22, 2011 |
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say
To try to take the pain away.
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month,
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream,
"This can't be real!", I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God help me, I just want to die.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year,
Now people who have been, have gone,
I sit and struggle all day long
To bear the pain so deep inside,
And now my friends just question "Why?
"Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good Heavens, it has been so long!"
I lost my child last year
Time has not moved on for me,
The numbness, it has disappeared.
My eyes have cried so many tears,
I see the look upon your face,
"You must move on and leave this place".
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The song's the same, as is the rhyme.
I lost my child........... TODAY
| mom | March 18, 2011 |
I would give it all just to be with you again
It'a a lonely road for my heart is still in chains
But I live my life just to be with you again
We have walked together where angels go
And we found the place inside us, That only we could know
So I still walk on through the night and through the rain
I would give it all just to be with you again
That's the way life goes like a whisper in the wind
But I'll take that fall, Just to be with you again
Can I find a reason? Can I find a way?
'Cause the words I need to tell ya, Are the word I didn't say
So I still walk on through the night and through the rain
I would give it all just to be with you again
I see you standing in the doorway
With that look that's in your eyes
And the feeling that I feel will never die
So I still walk on through the night and through the rain
I would give it all just to be with you again
That's the way life goes like a whisper in the wind
I would give it all just to be with you again
It'a a lonely road for my heart is still in chains
But I live my life just to be with you again
| mom | March 17, 2011 |
If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.
If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wrench of being torn apart;
of being reminded
that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.
Life is a fragile affair.
We are all dancing
on the edge of a precipice,
a dizzying cliff so high
we can't see the bottom.
One by one,
we lose those we love most
into the dark ravine.
So we must cherish them
without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid
during the day
and fall into at night.
Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit
spiritually or physically,
hoping to find them there.
And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, empty aching,
the unanswered prayers,
the sleepless nights
when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that it means.
Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...
The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.
And in time, they fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.
We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.
And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.
| mom | March 14, 2011 |
Where are you my Precious one I long to see your face?
I need to kiss and hold you and never let you go.
I cannot understand why someone so precious had to die.
My heart it has stopped beating I don't feel it anymore.
Why my God did you take my son so soon?
Have I done something wrong to deserve this terrible pain?
I know that you have took him back to take his pain away.
Yet I know he did not want to die his time was far too soon.
He fought this terrible disease every single minute of the day
And even when he was in pain he still had time to say
" I Love You All So Very Much"
My anger keeps me going its the only strength I have.
Knowing that my angel was robbed of everything.
He had everything to Live for 20 Years was not enough.
And so I hope you understand why I sometimes question my faith.
I wake up every morning hoping it was all a bad dream.
Hoping that she'll walk through the door and hug me one more time.
I know its my turn now to fight and find the truth.
Why my Precious Son, should never have left us that day.
So every night even though I cant see you, I hold and kiss your picture.
Remember that my love for you is stronger everyday.
For everytime I lay down on my pillow I know you are next to me.
Your arms wrapped around me wiping away my tears.
| mom | March 10, 2011 |
MY SON
Learning that you would not
grow old after me
was the hardest part.
I have come to know that
missing you will never stop.
...Wherever I go you will
always be with me.
And I only need to think of you
to feel that bittersweet mix,
the love of your presence...
the pain of your absence.
My precious Son became
a broken promise.
A piece of a generation
forever lost....
Love You Forever ~ Forget You Never!
| dragan's dad | March 7, 2011 |
A Mother's Grief
by Kelly Cummings
You ask me how I'm feeling
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
you say you have to go.
How can I tell you
what it's been like for me,
I am haunted, I am broken
but things that you dont see
You ask me how I'm holding up
but do you really care?
The second i try to speak my heart
you start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely
you see, no one comes around
I'II take the words I want to say
and quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now
because they don't know what to say,
They tell me I'II be there for you
then turn and walk away.
Call me if you need me
that's what everyone said,
But how can I call you and scream into the phone
My God, My Child is Dead!
No one will let me
say the words I need to say,
Why does a mother's grief
scare everyone away?
I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say the things to make you comfortable
but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
Of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me
how should one behave,
Who's had to follow their child's casket
watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day,
To place a final kiss upon that box
and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me
and I believe you do,
If you really want to help me
here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me
reach out and take my hand,
Say My Friend, I've come to listen
I want to understand.
Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear
It's alright if you do to!!
Taken from : http://paul-kurlfinkjr.last-memories.com/
| mom | March 3, 2011 |
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
| mom | March 3, 2011 |
In this time of grief When the darkness is so great And your heart is aching so, You feel that it may break. Remember that in this darkness There is a candle's light A flicker in the distance Small but intensely bright. That tiny little glow That seems so far away Will grow brighter and brighter With each passing day. Time does not heal, as they say, But it tends to numb The ache we feel inside our heart When the darkness comes. In time your heart will feel lighter And the memories won't bring such pain The tears won't flow as often And you will find laughter once again. So keep your eye on that distant glow To see how far you came... Because at the end of the darkness that flicker becomes a flame!!
| mom | February 24, 2011 |
I know that there are many different
forms of this out there however, I have added on to it to help others to imagine how we feel when we lose a child. I know grief and the pain of losing anyone close is hard but this is to help others understand how it is for a parent who has lost their child.
To make this really hit home for you it should be practiced for at least 24 hours, the longer the better but we do not have that long so we will do it for a few minutes. This is kind of like blindfolding yourself to experience being without sight. I am doing this from a parents view point but if you do not have a child you can think of a loved one in your life.
So close your eyes think about your children or loved love. I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world, that your beloved child died. Whatever age or stage of development, whether they live with you or not, just imagine you won't ever see that child on earth again. let me explain to you the reality…try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing their laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child.. never hearing them say "I love you"…nothing - just silence, emptiness.. now imagine never seeing your child's smile, never seeing him upset or happy, never watching him sleep…missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7, you smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at their pictures and can only cry - what happened, why!?.. you have never felt longing like this in your life! longing to hear their voice, to see their face again,…and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix this. now imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. everything you loved now hurts like hell…
Next, go to a funeral home and discuss caskets or cremation, markers, burial plots, etc. So many things to do you have to make it perfect and really should you be making these decisions so quickly are you in your right mind – Really? Pick out a favourite outfit for your child to be buried in and the flowers that lay at the alter. Sit down and write out the obituary for the newspaper and pick out the music to be played at their memorial. Get in the floor or closet of their room and cry until there are no more tears. Then repeat until you think you're losing your mind and your gut is wrenching.
If you made it through that part you are ready for the next step.
NO WONDER!!!!!
Don't forget that when you go shopping you'll see things that you wanted to buy for your deceased child and many times you will still buy them anyway. You'll see places the two of you USED to go and sometimes sit in the parking lot and remember that special day. Sometimes you find yourself someplace you don’t even remember driving too.
At home when you prepare that favourite meal of the child who is gone, it won't taste the same to you. The pictures, cards they made for you or sent you, toys and other possessions of your baby will be both harmful and helpful. They are a link to the past, a way to remember more about what you've lost and at the same time they are a link to the past and a way to remember more about what you've lost and what you will never have again.
Funny, huh? That family portrait you were always so proud of? Well, it will take on a whole new meaning now. A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell.. that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss, with other losses you grieve and you are of course sad, but when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist, gone just like that, gone no warning, just gone.
Now open your eyes were you able to imagine what it must feel like? even for this amount of time it is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain, I would not wish this on anyone, but did you get a sense of how life-changing it is? Imagine you feel this 24/7, not even getting a moments relief from it! Now go on and put on your favourite CD to listen to, enjoy the music..go home and hug your child or loved one, enjoy this moment because you can still listen to them laugh, watch them smile, smell the scent that you know is them but please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding onto this, or that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven't lost a beloved child of yours, you can’t understand and I would not want you too.
But when you hear these words "the presence of his absence is everywhere", will you finally understand?
Thanks for doing this with me I hope you never have to walk in my shoes and I hope that now maybe you will be able to better help a friend or loved one in their loss.
