Darko Durbic

 Afterglow

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.
I'd like to leave an Afterglow
of smiles when the day is done.
I'd like to leave an echo . . .
Whispering softly down the ways
of happy times and laughing times
and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve
to dry before the sun
of happy memories that I leave behind
when the day is done.

Go ahead and mention my child, The one who died you know. Don't worry about hurting me further, The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing The tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending he didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that he has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine." But healing is something ongoing. I feel it will take a lifetime.

  

The morning sun is shining in a sky so clear and blue, the birds are singing sweetly and I know they sing for you!

There's been so many changes that I wish that you could see, but so much that I wish for, will never come to be.

I have so much to show you, so much I wish to say, I guess I took for granted that there'd be another day.

I used to lie in bed at night and listen to you breathe, knowing that the time would come when you would have to leave.

I miss our days together, each and every single one. I think of things I should have said, more things I could have done.

Sometimes I wake up in the night and think you're calling me. I sit right up to go to you, then realize, it's not to be.

I miss you more than words can say, there's no reaching out to touch.
Dear son, be happy where you are, and know I miss you very much. 

                       Always with you Darko....Love mom  


      

This illness I call grief has me living in total disbelief Wishing it would go away then wondering how long will it stay This pain is deep within my soul It has taken such a terrible toll Just like a cancer eating away at me anyone experiencing it would surely agree The loss of a child is beyond earthly words bringing this pain totally inwards No one seems to care about us The ones left feeling totally useless As the sun does rise each morning the tears that greet without a warning Continue on each and every day They will never go away All we ask is to be understood I believe if you tried you truly could Imagine how it would feel for you To be among the chosen few

    The bittersweet memories of those days that used to be The smiles and the laughter are the visions that I see This pain so deep within us No words that can express How bittersweet the memories can cause us such distress Looking back in time forever When life included you It is now those bittersweet memories that will have to pull us through Bittersweet the memories Yes they will have to do For you will not be coming home We must wait to come to you

     Time does not heal the loss of a child You only learn how to live in denial Somedays I feel totally insane cannot control this emotional pain ' Whether one year two years or more life will never be as it was before Just waking each day feels like a task cover up my sorrow... place on my mask I am caught between reality and irrationality questioning my own mortality Spent many moments with silent pleas longing for when life was totally care free There are no words to describe how this feels I was given no choice...just have to deal This pain continues on each day and night with no reprieve ever in sight With special thoughts for my sweet boy

   The tears just come each day and night from pain that is totally out of sight It is deep within and there is no relief from this terrible thief we all call grief It came to us and stole our lives has made it so difficult to just survive The millions of questions it has raised leaves us feeling very dazed It moves like waves on a stormy sea we know we will never be set free For it came and swept away our love and took them away to heaven above So each day will come and each day will go The sun will shine or the snow will blow But we will continue to live with this thief That has brought us heartache...and we call it grief

  The magic wand I dream about with powers so very strong I often imagine it bringing you home to where you do belong With that magic wand in hand you would be back in my arms I would never let you go again I would protect you from all harm Each day the magic wand would bring smiles to you and me No longer would there be such pain Life would again be so care free I wish my magic wand was true so this heartache would go away my life now filled with many tears that will continue on each day I guess my magic wand will stay within my imagination but I will never forget my dream for it brings with it great elation In loving memory of my precious son

   My truth has become a nightmare It is something most people just fear The loss of a child I live in denial My truth has become a nightmare My truth has become a nightmare I am not who I was in the mirror I have cried felt I died My truth has become a nightmare My truth has become a nightmare Those around me really don't care I just wear a mask it has become such a task My truth has become a nightmare My truth has become a nightmare I wish someone would lend me an ear I try to explain they think I complain My truth has become a nightmare My truth has become a nightmare I hardly can get any air I beg if you please I just wish to leave My truth has become a nightmare

  I walk around as if in a daze I live my life in total malaise I guess to others I seem just fine but I know I am walking a very thin line The pain that others just call grief that came in the night like a terrible thief Took that life that used to be and replaced it with only memories I remember laughing and having fun but that was when I still had my son I know I smile now and then but mostly I cry over and over again I ask myself to try to deal and wonder if I will ever heal Then I get a piercing pain and decide to focus on just staying sane

   I will not be fine It will not just take time I will always need you You were a part of me too Life will not be the same There will always be pain You were my child, my son you were my dear special one I will never forget The day we first met So little and sweet My heart skipped a beat I will have to go on living life as a con wearing this mask It is just such a task I keep asking when will we be together again could it be soon maybe in June I long for your smile You had such a great style I love you so much I just need your sweet touch When I finally leave No longer I grieve I know in the light You will bring me delight

    A life sentence with no reprieve causing such heartache since you did leave Forever and ever this pain in my soul missing you deeply life's out of control Nothing can ease it millions of tears so many questions so many fears The tide of emotions running in running out sometimes I cry quietly sometimes I do shout A life sentence of grieving for you now and forever that's what I shall do

           Sitting in the early morning before the world does wake with the stillness all around me I can feel my heart just ache No noise to keep me occupied No one around but me I cannot keep my thoughts away so as to be set free The memories are bittersweet an ocean full of tears Feeling you so close to me but you've been gone for years Everything is still and quiet Inside I cry with pain One question runs throughout my mind Is this all that remains? I am told it should be better. . . You are needed here . . Just continue to be strong. . . You will get over it my dear No one really understands when sorrow lies deep within It stays forever in ones heart emotionally it wears you thin So as time passes on around me and days turn into years I know the pain of losing you will never disappear
    Reminisce I spend most days just reminiscing of the life that I once knew Days when everything was fine back to when my life had you I dodge away from my reality as if doing so will take it away So impossible to believe the truth I run and hide from it everyday Somehow this life took a wrong turn left me here to live without you Now it has this deep dark hole that each day I muddle through Today is just another day of many days that past They shall continue on this way till I meet with you at last How much longer will it be till Earth I finally leave For each day I live without you Is another day I grieve

   Places of the heart Places of the heart is where I long to be A place where you and I would again live happily I know it is not far away just around a bend And when my time does come on you I will depend Your smile will guide me home as we travel to the light Your hand will reach for mine and I will grab it oh so tight I will finally be set free in Heaven up above Where I will be with you again my very special love

    Timeline of grief such a terrible thief A never ending road Life has tragically bestowed One day spent with tears the next entirely unclear Walking this timeline no words can define Beginning with days filled with malaise no way to find peace seems the tears will not cease The timeline keeps moving with nothing improving as days turn to weeks we learn coping techniques Months turn to years memories become souvenirs As the timeline of grief has shown little relief One step at a time we walk this thin line Broken heart that won't mend life we cannot amend Timeline of grief such a terrible thief days....weeks....months....years.... sadly...... perfectly clear
   I am looking for a special place A place to not deny all the feelings deep within A place where I can cry A private world that will accept these tears that flow for you This never ending sorrow A place I can be true No more hiding from the world pretending I am fine I need to let it all run free No longer walk this line If others cannot understand that life is not the same I must not waste another day trying to explain I need to be true to myself and those that really care I will no longer wear my mask My feelings I must bear So I will show my feelings to a world that has no clue The pain that has me reeling from the day that I lost you

   Another anniversary ... but there will be no fun For this anniversary marks the day I lost my son Wishes will not be happy instead there will be tears No looking towards the future only backwards now in years Spent the last three long years trying to deny Imagining you went away ...not that you had died Reality hurts in a place so very deep within Affected every facet ... has worn me very thin I know you would be doing so much with your life Maybe you would have children... maybe a beautiful wife I am left with memories and a life of lost hopes Empty words from many of how I need to cope These special days do push me further to the brink drain all my needed energy so further I do sink Losing you has been the hardest journey to go through Each day I wish to wake ... and finally be with you 

                                   
  

                                                                        

 Four Years....

It is only hours away now

A time that I do dread

I have tried to it hidden

Not allow it in my head

Four years ago I lost you...

On a sunny afternoon

My heart broke in an instant

The world became my own monsoon

As you traveled up to heaven

towards the beautiful white light

Each day was filled with darkness

Nothing since has felt quite right

I was told I must get over it

Allow myself to heal

You were taken for a reason...

Somehow I must learn how to deal

I learned quickly just to hide it

Keep the sorrow  deep within

No one wants to know my secret

My grief has worn them very thin

Tomorrow is approaching...

Another year without you here

Only those within your family

Will be shedding any tears

With another year behind me...

It has become so crystal clear

I will always love you deeply

Always wish that you were here

You Can't Win With Me

If you say to me, "How are you doing?,"
With such sympathy and meaning in your voice,
I reply, "I'm fine,"
And brush you off,
Because to talk about my loss with you is just too painful.
If you see me
And don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough,
Or are too scared to mention it
For fear that you might upset me.
You can't win with me.
If you say, "I'm sorry your son died,"
It is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say, "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful!"
I want to scream, "It's not fair!!"
But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today,
Not in front of you.
So I reply, "Thank you."
That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring,
Thanks for trying to help,
Thanks for realizing that I'm still in pain.
If you don't know what to say to me, that's okay.
Because I don't know what to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh,
Don't assume I must have forgotten my baby for the moment.
I haven't, I can't, I never will.
Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean.
I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad,
You are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
Or some event might have triggered a wave of grief in me.
If you don't say anything
I'll think you don't care about me,
But if you do say something,
It might make me feel worse.
You could try asking if I want to talk,
But don't be surprised if I say no.
You can't win with me.
Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble,
However trite you might feel they are.
I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.
I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally,

Like it used to be before all of this happened.
But I know it's impossible.
That carefree, naive person is gone forever,
And I am mourning that loss too.
So you can't win with me.

PRECIOUS CHILD

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart


God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

     

Memories of you are like the rose, precious and fragrant. Thoughts of you are like the rainbow after the rain, that brings beauty and peace. Missing you is a void that can never be filled. Your life is a bouquet of beautiful memories, losing you is the thorn upon the rose.

    

So many things left unsaid, so many things left undone, I hold deep with in my shattered heart each and every one....I love and miss you so very very much....I only pray that you really can feel my love....

 

 

There is a place in every heart, they call it Memory Lane where thoughts of loved ones forever will remain ~ God made this special place when He first created man, for He knew it would be needed as part of our life's plan ~ He knew when loved ones left us we'd need some time to heal, to come to terms with sorrow and the loneliness we'd feel ~ So when you lose a loved one and your life is filled with pain, the comfort of their presence will be found in Memory Lane

   
~*~I am in the rain that fall's upon your face, I am the little snowdrop trimmed with Angel lace, I am the reflection in the water that you see, I am that seed you sowed in my loving memory, I am the tear that fall's upon your cheek, I am that funny little giggle that you so often sneak, I am everything you hear and everything you see everything you feel and love ~ So think of me and bring a smile to your face when you think of that little snowdrop trimmed with Angel lace~*~