Hello My Yellow Butterfly
Another difficult day in August. A very hard month babe, how we all love and miss you my sweetest, loveliest, most handsome son in the world. To think that two years and 5 months ago our life was so beautiful and normal, and now it can never ever to be that way again. That is what makes it hard to carry on, to know that you are not coming back home and we can never be normal again. Am really trying to keep it all together but am tired son of trying to be strong, to put a smile on my face and carry on like everything is okay, when it isn’t. I don’t want this weight on my shoulder anymore. I never ever expected this, did not expect that pain like this could exist and that we would be tortured to have to live through it. Our life was not supposed to turn out like this, just cannot believe it my sweet baby.
You would have heard my discussions with …….. today. I really don’t know what to make of the whole situation. How is it possible? How one day you are perfectly healthy and the next week they tell me I am going to lose you?
Hear today from someone’s how they son survived …. Just don’t get it baby. Why does God help some and not others? How does God choose? Does he love some more than others? Why did God not help? Is it because that I was not so so holy did not go to church often, not enough devotion ……….. Why did he take you? Why did God give us so much of hope only to let us down? So so many why’s with no answers and absolutely nobody can help with this paralyzing pain. Wish so bad that I went with you that night. Cannot believe I have survived all this time ……. does one call…… this surviving?
I miss you my most handsome son, my best friend, my life. I miss your sweet smile, your gentleness, your laughter, you talking to me, telling me what to do ……. you walking out of the bathroom after getting dressed and asking ‘do I look o.k. Mum’ ……….. you did not realize it my Darko but you always looked perfect. You are my perfect Son there will never ever be another like you my baby.
I will always treasure the time we had, can’t help to want more but ………….
Hope you are safe and happy. Hope what I am reading and learning is true. Hoping that I am on the right path. Thank you for your lovely sign last night , you truly are amazing, I really needed that babyson.
Looking forward to the day we can be together again. In the meantime always remember that I LOVE YOU with all my heart Darko Durbic.
Love always
Ma