I never pictured my life this way. With my son’s 8 years angelvarsary coming I feel like I haven’t taken a whole breath since he took his last one. I’m still straggling.
My calendars aren’t marked by birthdays and anniversaries anymore. Those happy days are long gone. I have 2 days out of a whole year that mean anything at all to me. November 14, a day that use to be a celebration, the day Darko was born. Now the only significance it holds is a reminder that he will be 20 forever. It’s just a sad day to sit on his grave and grieve for what could have been. Then there’s July 31th, a day that needs no calendar to mark- it’s forever embedded in my mind. The day my soul was ripped from my body and the life was sucked out of me. The day my family fell apart and a day that I will live for the remainder of my entirety here on this earth. The day Darko died.
See, when you lose a child, those 2 days are what a 12 month calendar consist of. We just survive everyone in between. I mean, how can you move forward when so much of you is missing?
I just wish I could tell my heart what my mind already knows. But sometimes, I still can’t believe he’s really gone.
Most days I feel the world is moving on without me. No matter how much time passes, it’s like I’m still in hospital with Darko praying for his recovery, I had so much to say to him, but so little time. I just kept telling him over and over again how sorry I was, how much I love him, and how we would be together again soon.
Each day I wish to wake ….. and finally be with him
